There was a time that I thought some things were absolutely unforgivable. There was an imaginary scale in my head that weighed the offense and eked out the level of forgiveness that it was worthy of. I justified my right to own the hatred that I felt for my abusive ex-boyfriend. He had taken enough so I was not willing to give him any more of me, including my forgiveness. My angry mind rationalized that forgiveness would send a message that his actions were OK, even when my reality mind knows that notion isn’t true.
What I have come to grips with is that forgiveness is not an endorsement nor is it a hug wrapped in rainbows, fluffy clouds and harp music. Forgiveness is not a warm fuzzy feeling that puts you in the mindset of running through a field of flowers, smiling with the sun beaming as if you were singing about the hills being alive in the Sound of Music. In spite of how it feels, forgiveness is a choice.
I have heard it said that forgiveness is setting someone free and freedom is not what I wanted for this person. The truth of the matter is that the real prisoner was me. I was holding myself captive. I stayed bound in my anger where I was insulated from being in any situation where I could be hurt in anyway. I’ve become hypersensitive, acutely aware and ready to protect my children and me from the slightest external infraction. When looking at life through the lens of this seething anger, you see threats everywhere. A person in a store line accidentally stepping on my daughters foot required quick action to protect her when it was just an accident.
For years I was full of hatred and rage for not only my abuser but also memories of my mothers. I vowed to break the cycle and never have my children, sisters or brothers, nieces or nephews be victims of abuse. Un-forgiveness held me prisoner. The person that I have wished a house to fall on kept on living his life, unaware and probably apathetic to the depth of my hurt, anger and bitterness. To truly be an example, I’ve learned that I need to follow the ultimate example. God himself asks us to forgive those who have wronged us. (Colossians 3:13) Nowhere did I read it was an easy thing to do. As I’ve committed to the hard work of forgiveness, releasing my abuser and the dark, ugly pit of anger has made room for the beautiful things like joy, peace, love and gratitude. While forgiveness isn’t always easy it is worth the effort as I reclaim my freedom Under my Tattered Brim.
First let me thank my ultimate motivator who has no problem calling me out on updating Under Her Brim. What can I say, I’m an organized mess and it still takes a village to nudge me along to keep my mess organized. So to you I say Thanks! – I hear you and appreciate you (and all of the Under Her Brim followers!!) here…. have some Skittles. Continue reading →
Yes….you heard me. I was held hostage by what looked like the most gigantic bug in the whole wide world. It was horrible and no one was there to rescue me! All I wanted was a quick snack out of the kitchen. The house was quiet and I was feeling pretty good about my accomplishments of the day. Shoot after a day like I had, I deserve a little treat besides, it would be a the perfect compliment to this episode of NCIS as I wind down. Continue reading →
I just got back from spending a few days away with my family. Our location wasn’t extravagant and the trip wasn’t but for a few days but the experience was priceless. We dined at a famous seafood place that my daughter said because of her experience she now understands why it’s so famous (translation – the food was deeee-lish!!). We saw a 3D light show for the first time, talked about clouds and took pictures with strangers. In those few days we had many firsts and experiences together that we won’t forget. Continue reading →
To wake up in the morning is a blessing. When I first wake-up, open my eyes, say my prayers, stretch and turn on the news, I am ready to make my mark on the world!! Raawwwwwrrr!!!! The new day is as a fresh sheet of paper waiting for more of my life to be written on it. My actions, activities, interactions, goals met, goals set and even goals dismissed. It’s a chance to make a change, move a stumbling block, press forward towards a goal….they sky is the limit and the options are limitless on this fresh new day. Continue reading →