I ducked as the amber medicine bottle whizzed past my head with such force the sound came after it had passed, like a jet fighter plane. I heard it find its unintended target as it shattered against the wall and vitamins scattered everywhere as if they were being shot out of the wall. OMG!! What if I didn’t duck!! He threw that right AT me! Wait….did that just happen? I stood numb….still…..dumb….in shock with a glimmer of hope that this was a bad dream that I would wake from. As I started thawing from the numbness, fear, shock and adrenaline all brewed together into a brew of deep dark anger….did that mutha just throw my prenatal vitamins at me? The question now becomes a bold declaration…I KNOW that mutha#$%&%^* didn’t just throw ANYTHING at me. One of us isn’t getting out of here Ta-DAY!
As I hear the front door close announcing his grand departure, my brain reconnected with my body and willed it to move. I turned slowly and looked at the chick-let shapes intermingled with the amber shards of the plastic pill bottle all over the floor. Yup…there goes my pre-natal vitamins and those bottle bits may as well be my shattered relationship. Clearly the news of my pregnancy was not met with the joyful embrace and loving kisses from him that I had hoped for, shoot that I had expected ( I watch too much television). Truthfully in my heart I knew that this could go south but ignored the best voice — MINE. Yeah, yeah we all have some Mommy/Daddy issue or some experience that we pull out, dust off and use as the rational behind our bad choices that don’t yield the results we wanted. My issues had me move with him because I loved him and wanted to show the world that I can and will do well with, or without errrrbody! Especially you who said I wouldn’t amount to anything. I’ll show them that I WILL have my Happily Ever After. We will venture out in life and ride off into the sunset together. Imma show ’em better than I can tell ’em.
Hmmmm, this is not working out the way I thought it would. Oh well, I would rather be with him and never let THEM see me sweat than to be without him. But now I’m a mother I have another life to be responsible for. Sheeee-yet, now it’s real, playtime is over. I felt so degraded as I knelt down to pick up the vitamins and vowed then and there that I will NOT have a baby born into confusion to heck what people have to say. A decision was made then and there that I was outta here. That was the straw…..that was it, I’ve done enough to be accepted and prove my worth to this man. I’ve belittled, detached, dumbed-down, accepted foolishness, dimmed my own bright light and did things that were far from who I was just to ‘keep’ him…to show him how I’m a good woman and that I love him!!
Domestic violence is not always evidenced by someone hitting another person. At the very core of domestic violence is power and control. I asked myself, why did I stay, because I’m smarter than that, I know better and I refuse to let anyone see a weakness in me. I will NOT be labeled a victim. I asked myself, when the heck did this happen? It crept in like a slow mist that permeated gradually into the fabric of our relationship without me noticing. As I rationalized with myself, with the voice that had sent up red flags many times earlier, I decided that it was time for me to make some changes, I have another life to live for. If I have to prove to him that I’m worth it, then he’s not worth me.
As I recovered the precious vitamins off of the floor, thoughts of my unborn child growing up in this chaos and my inability to do anything to ‘fix’ this started the tears flowing as I planned my exit away from him – from Under my tattered Brim.